A plane is about to crash and a woman near the front stands up and says "If im going to die im going to go out feeling like a woman." She starts to take her clothes off and says "Is there anybody on here man enough to make me feel like a woman" so a guy near her stands up and takes his shirt off and hands it to her and says "Here iron this."

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i hated going to weddings because older relatives would point to me and say "you're next"
they stopped doing it when i started saying the same thing to them at funerals.

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Sorta racist
Q: Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas morning?

A: So they have something to unwrap.

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These three guys are flying in their aeroplane over a rainforest when suddenly the plane crashes. They're found by a tribe of villagers, and wake up inside a tepee. The chief walks in and says 'You have disturbed our sacred forest. You will choose: Death, or Unga Bunga!'
The first man picks Unga Bunga, and is taken to a tent. Inside is a 7ft tall tribesman, with no clothes on and a **** that's at least the length and width of his arm. Before the man can do anything, he is grabbed and has the large instrument shoved up his ***. After half an hour, he is sent away, and passing the second guy, he says'Pick death!' The second guy thinks 'No way, I'm not gonna die!' And the same thing happens, 7ft guy, giant ****, held there for half an hour. Eventually, the second guy is sent away, and he hobbles up to the third guy and says 'Pick death! On no cost pick Unga Bunga!' The third guy says 'okay. I've got no family, and nothing to live for apart from you guys. Remember me.' The first and second guys wait outside the tent for their dear, dear friend so they can get his body back for a proper burial when they hear the chief shout 'You are a brave man. Death! By Unga Bunga!'

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guys are hunting, and they are high up in a tree. the first guy says "Hey, I can see your house from here," then he zooms in with his scope, and looks into the second guy's bedroom. he says "oh my god, you wife is cheating on you,"
Then, the other guy says "shoot the guy in the balls, and my wife in the head,"

" I think i can get that in one shot."

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One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no appearant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

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a man is jogging along the beach and he spots a lady sitting on the beach with no arms and no legs and shes crying. he goes up to her and asks why shes crying and she says "ive never been hugged by a man before" so he decides to make her feel better and gives her a hug and keeps jogging.

the next day when hes running again, he says the same girl on the beach crying again. he goes to talk to her again and she says "ive never been kissed by a man before". so he decides to make her feel better and gives her an innocent peck on the cheek and keeps jogging.

the next day the jogger runs into the same situation. he asks her whats wrong today and she says "ive never been ****** by a man before". so he picked her up and threw her into the ocean and said "now you're ******"

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A man walks into a restaurant one night and goes to the bar to have a drink. He asks the bartender for a beer.
"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"One cent!" exclaimed the guy.
The bartender replied, "That's right, sir."
So the man glances at a nearby menu and asks, "Could I have a nice, juicy T-bone steak with a baked potato and corn on the cob to go along with that beer?"
"Certainly sir," replied the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" asks the guy.
"Four cents."
"Four cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where is the owner of this place?"
The bartender replies, "He's upstairs with my wife."
"What's he doing with your wife?"
"The same thing I'm doing to his business."

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3 people are flying on a plane. All of the sudden the pilot comes out and says "Bad news, the plane's going down. Fortunately we have parachutes, but there's only 3 left. The pilot then grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane, leaving 2 parachutes.

One man stood up and turned to the others, saying "Look, I'm in charge of a giant corporate business. My job is very important and I'm pretty much the smartest man in the world. So I think I should get one of the parachutes." He then takes a parachute and jumps, leaving one left.

The two remaining people are a Catholic Priest and a Boy Scout. The priest looks to the boy scout and says "You can take the last parachute. I have lived a long life for God."

The boy scout replies "Father, I don't think we have anything to worry about. The smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack."

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i love the first joke that mexican one i heard before heres one cougar told me


Q:why do black people have nightmares

A:because we killed the one with a dream

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^^^

People at work are laughing there asses off at that one


Heres something I saw the other day - Irony

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Don't let R3ll1k's pet Chimp catch you in the bathroom alone.

haha that is hilarious twisted

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the pineapple one is mine

love the second one, will be using it soon

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Get Better Jason Tucker, The CFL wants you back, your sig will be coming in a day or so

I eat tamales at Christmas Because they're good!

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Please cry for me so I may splash and laugh in your tears of ignorant sorrow. - RELLIK

I eat 'em whenever I go to the grocery store and the lady is outside the door selling them.

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ll TheAnswer ll wrote:

I eat 'em whenever I go to the grocery store and the lady is outside the door selling them.

hahaha you got screwed, you can get them inside for free

my local Costco always has things like that for samples

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Get Better Jason Tucker, The CFL wants you back, your sig will be coming in a day or so

bluebombers85 wrote:

hahaha you got screwed, you can get them inside for free my local Costco always has things like that for samples

Homemade are better. The ones they sell at stores tend to be machine pumped meat product injected into corn dough. Though those aren't too bad they don't beat homemade

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Please cry for me so I may splash and laugh in your tears of ignorant sorrow. - RELLIK

Exactly.

Authentic >>> Factory Shit.

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i agree with r3ll1k and Answer

homemade is a hell of a lot better than crappy factory made shit

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pizza >>> Whatever Mexican food your talking about

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Get Better Jason Tucker, The CFL wants you back, your sig will be coming in a day or so

/facepalm

He doesn't even know what tamales are...

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the only word i know in Mexican is Taco and Burrito

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Get Better Jason Tucker, The CFL wants you back, your sig will be coming in a day or so

ta·ma·le (ta-mä'lē) Pronunciation Key
n. A Mexican dish made of chopped meat and crushed peppers, highly seasoned, wrapped in cornhusks spread with masa, and steamed.


[From American Spanish tamales, pl. of tamal, tamale, from Nahuatl tamalli.]

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Don't let R3ll1k's pet Chimp catch you in the bathroom alone.